Little less than 100 days before the May 12 national polls, all systems are grinding to a spectacular halt now that there is no safeguarding one of the most potent manifestations of democracy. "We have spent every bit of political capital, manpower, and pork-barrel funds in our efforts." she said, "I even banned my Dato and Mikey from playing counter strike [to free up government server space]. Nothing has worked. But in retrospect, I’m glad we bent over backwards, because now it’s easier to kiss our own asses goodbye."
The public has seen nothing except the valiant efforts of the administration to secure worldwide confidence. COMELEC even hired IT technicians from Brazil, posing as sexy models who could regularly be found in Tabu Tuesdays, while actually programming code on their cell phones. House representatives also brokered a landmark deal with DND and PNP officials in their home provinces to dismantle their private armies, in an effort to preserve the atmosphere of order and trust. [Valentine's Day Update: After Q.C. Councilor hopeful Ara Mina's declaration to be "For" private armies on Mo Twister's show on local cable channel ANC, I.M.O, national officials have reversed their decree, reinstating the priority of accumulating guns, goons, and gold. However, now, they are to be referred to as "For" Aramina's Privates. Asked to comment, host Mo Twister stated "RE:IMO EP15- A.M. VS. P.A., IMHO, STFU!1 PWNED LOLZ. BRB" ]
But the kitchen sink was officially thrown in with the importation of retired computer guru, Bill Gates, former Chairman of Microsoft and founder of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. "When I first arrived in 2007, I was sure that we could do it. We had so long to prepare. And we were on track all the way until this weekend," a visibly exhausted Bill Gates said. "Now I have this eye twitch because I was staring at the computer screen for hours. I've never worked so hard in my life. But we—I—blew it.”
Gates has been working alongside COMELEC Chairman Melo in guaranteeing the information management systems, as well as clearing installing firewalls in all BIR computers that block facebook applications, particularly, the wildly popular Farmville.
He has even been helped out as Deputy Press Secretary for Mrs Arroyo, since the death of Cerge Remonde last week. "[N]ot that she needed the credibility...everyone trusts her. But she wanted you to know that all is lost. It’s up to God now to reveal who should be mandated to be the President.” Gates said, reading from a prepared script. “And, if God says it will be some sort of ‘minister’ or 'ministress' in some ‘prime’ function, then so be it." Gates then went off script, speaking from the heart."Think about it," he went on, "since G-Lo [Arroyo’s rap handle] was swept to power extra-constitutionally in 2001, she has been hands-on in fortifying the credibility of ‘one Filipino, one vote.’ She wants her legacy to be that of a transparent leader and one who will graciously step aside when the time comes. Unfortunately, June 30, 2010 might as well be three Sundays ago. It's off."
Gloria went on the record this weekend, touting her record of smooth transitions of power and paying for a correction in her massive "Then and Now" advertising campaign. "In all branches of government," the ad reads, "we have seen improvement in the lives of Filipinos. Except for the COMELEC. It was much better in 2004 when I trusted those who were counting the votes. What a waste of money these new jagoffs was."
In front of Palace reporters, she was more restrained, blunting the tone of the print ads. “You know the evidence; I was so hands-on in 2004; I personally managed the election progress and peacefully and fairly transferred power from myself to my successor and incumbent, also me.
“I could have stopped there, but I didn't." she said, breaking down and sobbing, "I could have left my legacy at the Hello Garci expose of my good management skills, but I really, really wanted show my power in creating trust and to cleanse the image of elections in the country for all eternity."
She referred to her repeated calls to the COMELEC Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano to safeguard democracy. When recordings of the phone conversation were leaked to the public, the former president/president-elect accepted the praise that went along with it, but in a surprise turn of events in a 2005 speech, apologized.
"I made an oath," the president said from Malacanang at the time, "to make the ‘04 elections Super-Secure. Unfortunately, ambition got the better of me, and I was only able to bring this 2004 election to the level of Very Secure. Therefore, this victory of mine is as empty as the FPJ influence in Maguindanao. Mea culpa."
Following that speech, the political backlash brought her 100% SWS approval ratings to a record-low 99.99%, and she has never looked back in her quest for fair elections since. She passed an Supreme Executive Order and raised the level of expectations for the automated elections to 'Ludicrously Secure.'
Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile, speaking for once on national-security issues that didn't have masa appeal, also weighed in. "Though the masses won't notice the effects, it is sad that the president will not sleep soundly tonight, knowing that her citizens' constitutionally guaranteed right to counted votes is now in doubt," he said. “I’m a lawyer, I know how to win. I was the oppressive architect of Martial Law, probably the most reviled of all of Marcos’ cronies,” he chuckled like lolo talking about slavery and prima nocte, “and I still won. But this automation…this is impossible. It's like the load that disappeared from my cell. What is that? And sometimes, when I call my nephew, I hear a song playing? Why? Disappearing load yata 'yon eh. Ano na ba ang presyo ng kuryente?"
Of course, the most seriously affected by this development are the thousands of candidates who are campaigning in earnest across the country. In a rare show of solidarity, all 21,000 of them issued a joint statement, read by constitutional framer Fr Joaquin Bernas, SJ.
“As Filipinos, we know what it means to try our hardest, and cooperate to achieve the most impossible goals. But in an event as important as this, failure is not an option. Therefore, let’s spare ourselves the inevitable heartbreak and just stay home on May 12. If you happen to vote, be sure to voice your complaints if your candidate doesn’t win. That probably means that you were cheated, the machines were compromised, or blackouts struck at the most inconvenient time for the election period. And,” he added, “there is still the possibility that the ghost of Fernando Poe Jr. is haunting our servers.”
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